My Unitarian Jihad Name!!

Inspired by Jon Carroll's column in the Chronicle, and after reasoned and lengthy discussion, the committee reached a consensus that you should be called:

My Unitarian Jihad Name is:

The Machine Gun of Mild Reason.

Get yours.

Secret To Immortality

If you are what you eat - and you want to live forever - then eat McDonalds hamburgers. They never decompose!

This video shows a true story about a guy who's been saving hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and Big Macs from McDonalds for over 18 years... and they look EXACTLY the same! Check it out - they haven’t decomposed in over two decades!

Visit Bionic Burger or The Best Day Ever for more information. And if you don't believe it, here's another video:

Sally Davies, a New York-based photographer took a fresh McDonald's Happy Meal On 10 April, 2010 to see if what she had read online about a school teacher with a 12-year-old McDonald's burger could possibly be true.

She's been photographing it regularly ever since. After 6 Months there was very little sign of decay.

A Video History of the Ninja

Here is a really interesting series of videos depicting the history of the Ninja & the skills they used...

How To Spot A Ninja

Ninjas are masters at the art of being invisible. Here's a perfect example:

 

Above is an artist's depiction of a fruit bowl. It was only when he looked at his finished painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.

 

If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found. How do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns.

• Behind you
• In front of you
• Near you
• Around you
• Under you
• Inside you
• On top of you
• Diagonally horizontal to the left of your adjacent position
• Between you
• In the shadows of you and your loved ones
• The tree in your backyard
• In small villages
• In your refrigerator
• Adjacent to your car keys
• Wherever Pirates happen to be
• In napalm manufacturing plants
• In the walls

The following picture of a room full of ninjas is a great example of ninja invisibility skills:

Can't see them? Need a hint?

• one is hiding behind the wallpaper.
• four are hiding behind the desks.
• one hypnotized you to not see him.
• three are hiding behind the camera.
• one is dressed as a teacher who is also a ninja so you can't find her.
• at least six are hanging outside the window

Source: The Uncyclopedia Ninja Wiki

What is a Ninja?

Whoops, were you looking for a ninja?
If so, HE'S BEHIND YOU, YOU IDIO- ahh, damn.
Too late again.


Ninja (zool. cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis) (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people, flying, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments. The physical possibility of this is proven by the Uncertainty Principle.

Although ninji are most commonly thought of as being Japanese, it is a little known but true fact that over half of all ninji are from the southwest Detroit area. We know most about ninji from the autobiography of Sebastian Taylor, which appeared on the shelves of every library in the Australian city of Adelaide spontaneously in 1972, then proceeding to perform martial arts performances. The books soon joined the Cirque Du Soleil, but left the troop after several mysterious and spontaneous deaths in the audience. The books were never officially charged.

Ninji are also known for their leet skills, their knowledge of quilting history, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut off people's heads, and the ability to retract their testicles for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, all displayed and explained in their book "1337 ways to annihilate pirates". However, ninji are not animals (although they may transform into one if they're feeling particularly badass), in that they do provide receipts for assassinations. Of course, due to their temporal skills sometimes they may give the receipt before the assassination; so if you ever find a small black piece of paper in your pocket, then duck!

Real ninji can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked Assassin, not a ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.

Found at: The Uncyclopedia Ninja Wiki

My New Favorite Movie

I absolutely adore this movie! The special effects are hilarious - it's clever - has a great plot twist - and while the movie absolutely refuses to take itself seriously, it does manage to have depth and layers of meaning.

Here's what Wikipedia says about it:

Norwegian Ninja is a 2010 Norwegian action comedy film, directed by Thomas Cappelen Malling. The film, based on a 2006 book, presents real-life espionage-convicted Arne Treholt as the leader of a ninja group saving Norway during the Cold War and stars Mads Ousdal as Treholt.

The film is loosely based on the story of Norwegian politician and diplomat Arne Treholt, who in 1985 was convicted of high treason and espionage on behalf of the Soviet Union and Iraq. In 2006, Thomas Cappelen Malling wrote the book Ninjateknikk II. Usynlighet i strid 1978 ("Ninja Technique II: Invisibility in combat 1978"). The book was presented as a military manual written by Treholt in 1978. It achieved a certain cult status, and was considered a success at 5,000 units sold.

In December 2008 it was announced that the Norwegian Film Institute would support a film made by Cappelen Malling with NOK 10.5 million, in spite of the fact that the author had no previous experience from the movie industry. The book forms the basis for the film, where an alternative universe-Treholt leads a group of ninjas set up by then - King Olav V to combat the Soviets. The original working title was Nytt norsk håp ("New Norwegian Hope"), and the total budget was NOK 19 million. The producers describe the story as taking place directly before Treholt's arrest in 1984, presenting "the true story of how Commander Arne Treholt and his Ninja Force saved Norway during the Cold War." Cappelen Malling himself describes the film as "alternative history", but only in the sense that all history is alternative. Treholt himself has allegedly given his consent to both the book and the movie.

The absurd premise of the film secured a great deal of media attention for it ahead of its release. Aftenposten, in January 2010, predicted it would be one of the most absurd works of Norwegian cinema. Verdens Gang quoted producer Eric Vogel, saying "Something like this has never been made in Norway before. Or in the world, as far as I know!" They also interviewed Mads Ousdal, who portrayed Treholt in the film, describing the role as very different from anything he had done previously. Comedian Trond Viggo Torgersen played the part of King Olav V.

Although the movie was not a big box-office success, it did receive some very good reviews. J.S. Marcus of Wall Street Journal: "Hilarious and menacing, absurd and insightful, and an accomplished work of genre film making that authoritatively upends the cold-war spy thriller."

Find it on Amazon: Norwegian Ninja

Hauling Ass

LOL

Pretty much sums up my day!

The Art Of Doing Nothing Productive

Actually, the name of this post should read "The Art Of Doing Nothing Productive While Seeming To Be Productive Especially When There Are A Bunch of Actual Productive Things You Could Be Doing But Don't Want To Do So You Found This Other Seemingly Productive Activity To Occupy Your Time."

Here's how it works (for me, anyway):

I usually start off with an ambitious plan to get a bunch of things accomplished. Today, for example, the plan was as follows:

1. Go to the grocery store, and buy groceries - since I have no food in the house.
2. Pay my 2010 property taxes and maybe even the 2011 tax bill too. Or is it the 2009 and 2010 tax bills... I can't remember... 2 years overdue? 3 years?
3. Call Sprint and cancel my phone service - which I have just 1 day to do before I get charged for another month.
4. Text or call everyone who needs to know my new phone number.
5. Clean the litter boxes - ok that one needs to wait until after the visit to the store - if it ever happens.
6. Do something with the 2 year old christmas tree I still haven't done anything with (and no it's not a fake christmas tree - it is, howver quite dead) .
7. Work on Gypsy Magic, Cafe Press, Mandala Madness... or some other website or blog I'm way behind on. 
8. Do the dishes and fix a nice meal with all those good groceries I theoretically just got.

So, here's what I did. I got up this morning, drank a couple of cups of coffee and then decided that it was absolutely imperative that I check my email. Now, my inbox usually has an average of 1,300 unread messages - sometimes more, sometimes less... but that's usually what it looks like. And what I do, on a normal day, is skim through it, looking for anything that seems important, interesting, or terrifying... and after I read those emails - which I might or might not reply to or do anything about - I'm totally done. And then it's on to facebook for more procrastination and bullshit.

Today, however, I told myself this story about how it would be proactive - and organized - and productive - to methodically go through all of it - discarding, sorting, answering, and freaking out (whichever was appropriate) . Three hours later... I am down to 764 unread emails and thinking of ways to avoid going to the store and doing all that other shit because now I "don't have time." Especially since it's almost noon and I have someplace I need to be at... let me see... 7:30 pm.

And now I'm having all this anxiety because I'm feeling like I'm up against the wall of "what I don't want to do that I have to do" and the more I have to do it, the less I want to... and I'm thinking that maybe my totem animal is a MULE! A stringy old balky one at that... maybe even one that bites!

So, here I am talking about pretty much nothing - as if it's actually something - when really it's just more "Doing Nothing Productive While Seeming To Be Productive Especially When There Are A Bunch of Actual Productive Things You Could Be Doing But Don't Want To Do So You Found This Other Seeminly Productive Activity To Occupy Your Time."

And of course, now, it's imperative that I do an exhaustive internet search for pictures of mules to illustrate this blog post because... well... that's just so important!

Finding Gollum

OMG! I must be a really successful ranger! I just found Gollum - and I didn't almost die, nor did I have to go hungry, or kill Orcs, or hang out in an ale house. Turns out he's alive and well, and right here, right now! Don't believe me? Here's a picture:

And... if it works... an audio clip too!

Why Does It Cry

The Hunt For Gollum

Check this out! I just found a movie about Rangers. It's an award winning unofficial prequel to The Lord Of The Rings dramatising Aragorn and Gandalf's long search for Gollum directed by British filmmaker Chris Bouchard. Based faithfully on the appendices of the books this is a non-profit, serious homage to the writing of J.R.R Tolkien and the films of Peter Jackson. I watched the trailer - and it wasn't terrible.

So I went on a search and found the official Hunt For Gollum website, and discovered that I could not only WATCH it on YouTube, I could embed it here so you can see it too! How cool is that?. I figure that I need all the help I can get in finding and releasing my inner Ranger - so hey, I'm watching it now! How cool is that?

Ok... I watched it.

Not bad for an indie film with a really small budget and volunteer actors. I think my favorite thing about the movie was this comment I found on YouTube -

"So, when Gandalf told Frodo 'I looked everywhere for the creature Gollum' what he really meant was 'I sent another guy to look for him and he almost died'."

Finding My Inner Ranger

Well, day one of finding my inner Ranger has gone pretty well, I think. I have an idea that this could possibly be the one year when I actually succeed in my quest to "be" who I want to be. But I dunno... it's just the first day. I'm posting a clip from Lord of the Rings to give me some inspiration and some umph... especially when I just want to sit around and eat cookies... here it is:

I think it's really interesting how I've decided NOT to be Aragorn AGAIN since I've finally come to the conclusion that I will never succeed with that idea... and yet here I am thinking I can be who? a ranger? is that what I'm calling him now? a ranger? and in my head, am I really thinking Strider? and when I think Strider am I really seeing Aragorn? and what video am I playing? who is that cool guy? and why do I always want to be the guy and not the girl in the movie?? So we'll see what happens...

I did think it would be a good idea to come up with a "how to be a ranger" list - and here is my first draft:

1. Get up in the morning and take hold of the day.
2. If something needs doing - do it. Don't sit around wishing someone else would do it for you.
3. When the going gets tough, the tough get going - that does not mean they go to bed... nor does it mean they go to the couch and watch tv.
4. I can take out my own trash.
5. I can clean up my own messes.
6. It's not going to kill me to be hungry.
7. If someone you love dies - be sad, bury them, and then kill something - preferably an Orc or something meaner and more dangerous. The point is - channel your grief into action - the bloodier the better.
8. Spend most of your time listening and paying attention to what's going on around you.

I also think I'm going to have to focus on physical fitness - I wouldn't have lasted 20 minutes on that trek out of Bree... plus I'm looking at working out a new wardrobe... something to fit my new persona. That will be the fun part - taking on the role - how will it look to be the Ranger Twofeathers - lurking in the shadows... no pipe - but for sure the candle, the cloak, and the ale. Lots of black - and hopefully leather too... how fun!